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I quit.

3 am is a ridiculous hour. My parents used to say, "Nothing good happens after 11 pm. And what do you know? That statement is totally true. I mean, really. The only time anyone is ever awake at 3 am is because

a) you're stuffing your face with a greasy Jack in the Box burger after a crazy night you'll most likely never remember, or pray you forget.
b) You're evil children set their internal time clocks to make sure they're adding new wrinkles to your already jacked up face, nightly. I'm a walking "Mombie" today. (Mom zombie....use it.)<-----FOLLOW HER! She's awesome!

You never truly understand the power of sleep-deprivation-torture until you have kids. When you're literally being woken up every 15 minutes, in the only 6 hour period allotted for sleep, you're on your way to crazy town. I work part time as a hair stylist outside of the home. So, whether I sleep or not, I have the super fun challenge of trying to turn my swamp momster look into a well-rested fashionista before I walk into the salon. Have you ever gotten your hair done by a stylist with a lop-sided top-knot, sweat pants and bags under her eyes? If you answered yes, you were terrified, right? Exactly. I may FEEL like a flopped over top-knot, sweat pants, eye bag lady, but I can't SHOW that. So, I throw some Anastasia Beverly Hills concealer in my darkest of black eye canyons and pray no one notices that I can't make full sentences.

Last night was one of those torturous nights. It all started when I laid my head on my pillow. If you want your kids to wake up, just lay down. Works like a charm. But at 3 am, my wheezing, sick, baby lost. her. mind. She happens to be within arms reach, so I did the ol' blind binky search with my hand.....patting down a 3 foot radius in my foggy mom state. Binky found! Now pat babies face to find mouth...there we go....and shes out. 3:15 am, baby cries. Find binky, smoosh it along what you think is her face, realizing you're trying to insert it in her ear, move a little to the right, there we go and shes out. Now, this went on until 6:30 am when I had to peel myself from the bed to wake my 5 year old for school. But little sister, who typically sleeps until 8:30 am, was making it known that I would be carrying her around the entire morning. So, instead of helping my son get ready for school, I held a screaming baby as I instructed Jack on what to do next. It's a miracle what your children can do on their own when you physically can't help them. He brushed his teeth, dressed himself, got his lunch and ice pack out of the fridge, loaded his back pack and only needed help tying his shoes. The truth came out today, son! I'm on to you now. So me and the baby escorted him to the bus stop and waved goodbye as he started his day.

As I made my way back into the house, my middle son sleepily walked down the stairs to greet me with a man cough. Croup. "Mom, I'm sick", he growled. WONDEFUL! So, I put him on the couch with his kindle, surrounded him with blankets and apologized for only having 2 arms because I had to rock my very angry, exhausted baby. All of the sudden, her cries turned to gagging and out came an outrageous amount of slime/barf, all down the front of us. So up the stairs we went. People shouldn't be in pajamas at 7:45 am anyway. Let's get dressed. And today is a salon day for me. Because things like this don't happen on a day off. That would be too convenient. So, I get to have the horrible mom arguement within myself for leaving my 2 sick kids with our wonderful nanny while I head to work, or stay home and let down so many gray roots. Stylists book out 6-8 weeks in advance. It isn't easy to just move people. So I'm either an evil mom for leaving my kids or a horrible stylist for ruining my loyal guests schedules. Add the "Mombie" on top of it all, and you're thankful you're not scheduled to see me today, amiright?

This is the beautiful truth of motherhood. The next mom you come in contact with today, just give her a fist pump and tell her she's awesome. We all could use a fist pump now and then. Hands in the middle! Bombing at momming on three.......


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